Judith Sherven, Executive Coaching for the Brightest and Best

Hi there. My name is Avil Beckford, and this is the latest episode of The One Problem podcast. As you know, most of my guests, I have some prior relationship with them. My guest today, she was introduced to me by another contact. Now, let's talk a little about my guest today. Her name is Judith Sherven. She's an author and an executive coach. Over to you, Judith. 

Judith Sherven

Thank you, Avil. It's a pleasure to be with you. The problem that we want to address today is why do women hold themselves back from being more powerful, more empowered in their social lives, their dating lives, marriages, and certainly in their work life? Far too many women hold themselves back as if it was the last century or a century ago. It's been interesting to see that my husband and I work together often in terms of training women in how to date more powerfully, more successfully, so that every date can be a success.

Yes, every date can be a success when you show up and be empowered internally, so that you do not stick around during a boring date that goes on forever. You say after an hour, “This is not working for me. I'm going to take myself home.” Now, this is, of course, assuming that you took your own car or you took your own taxi or bus and you could get home on your own. But so many women cringe at the thought of being that bold. And speaking up on their behalf because they were taught to be nice, sweet, good girls. And you have to sit out a terrible date for hours and put up with somebody who can only talk about themselves, or they're boring.

The One Problem With Judith Sherven: Why do women hold themselves back from being more powerful, more empowered in their social lives, their dating lives, marriages, and work life?

Judith Sherven

I remember when I started dating, the way I'm talking about, I met a young man for a drink, and it was clear within the first hour that our politics were completely divergent. I just pulled out back then. It was a ten-dollar bill, and I covered my drink. And I said, “This is not working for me. I'm glad we met, but this isn't working, and goodbye.” I left, and I took myself home. When I tell that story when Jim and I have been teaching dating, women are horrified.

Oh, my goodness. Well, why on earth would you be horrified to take care of yourself and be honorable to who you really are? My message today for all women is please stay true to yourself. Find out what is holding you back. Now, let me just ask a question. How well do you…

Avil, I'll ask you even, how well do all the women tuning into this podcast, accept praise, accept compliments, take it in and really be able to say, Thank you, I really appreciate that. Or do they do what we've seen so often is what we call the duck and giggle? Why would you have to giggle and duck when somebody's saying you did a great job on that project last week?

I really was impressed. Why would you pass that off? Everyone listening, please take a good analysis. How well do you accept praise? How well do you take it in? And how well do you own it? Another question in terms of your work life, is how well do you promote yourself?

Either asking for a promotion, asking your manager for a promotion, or you've done a terrific project. How well do you go to your manager and say, “This has really been fun to do. I want to show you the outline I used at the presentation that I gave last week.”

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Judith Sherven

You show your manager how good you are doing in your work. Again, so many women are going to hold themselves back and say, “Oh, that would be showing off.” Well, that would be too bold. I wouldn't want to do that. Really? Men would do it. Most men would do it in a heartbeat. Why? Because they have been taught to be competitive. They've been taught from the time they were little boys to be out there on the field, being aggressive, going after what they want, throwing that ball, catching it. Ladies, let's do that in our lives as well.

Now, another place where I've seen women hold themselves back, and this is over decades. Avil, my husband and I have been doing corporate work and relationship work for three decades.

A long time with a lot of experience. And I still remember a time. This was at the Disney production studios when we lived down in Los Angeles. And we took the women on one team. I took the women off to say, What would you most want to say to the men on your team? Jim took the men aside for the same thing.

Avil, three of the women, asked me to speak for them. I kid you not. Yes, they asked me to. I said, absolutely not. These are women with MBAs. They went to Stanford; they went to Wharton. I said, absolutely not, I will not disrespect you that way. I will not speak for you. Three of them started crying. I am not making this up.

Judith Sherven

So please, women, talk to yourself about how you are holding yourself back? How are you not being bold? With compassion, of course. We're not talking about being rude. We're not talking about coming off in any way that would show you badly. Not at all. I'm asking you to please speak up on your behalf. I say that after doing workshops for LinkedIn, Community Technologies, for women only to help women get ahead in their careers, in their lives and not hold themselves back.

With that, Avil, is there anything you want to ask me before we run out of time?

Avil Beckford

Yes. There was something that I'm mulling over. Is how women have been brought up  causing this problem?

Judith Sherven

All too often that is exactly the problem is that girls have been taught to be sweet, kind, darling, adorable. And boys have been taught to be out there aggressive. Go after it. It's largely unconscious. The parents are not aware of what they're doing. They're just passing along what was done to them.

Avil Beckford

In two sentences or fewer, say that parents are listening to this podcast. What message do you have to tell them about being mindful about things like this?

Judith Sherven

Well, good, exactly. Please be mindful that how you relate to your girl children needs to be very neutral in terms of not sweet, not pretty, not cute, not darling. We have an invited granddaughter. And we're delighted the way she's being raised is, get out there, get on the running team, go for the swimming team. Absolutely, go camping. They encourage her to be out there participating in all kinds of things that so often some parents would have been holding her back.

Avil Beckford

Thank you so much, Judith. This has been enlightening. This has been very good. Thank you so much.

Judith Sherven

Well, and one last thing I feel for women who want to get a little better handle on this. We have a free three minute video, youareamiracle.net. It's free. Just go to youareamiracle.net, sign up and see what a miracle you are.

Avil Beckford

Sounds good.

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