Hi there. My name is Avil Beckford, and I'm the host of the One Problem Podcast. We know that there are tons of problems in the world, but for each episode, we focus on one problem. Why get overwhelmed? Most of my guests so far, I've had some prior relationship with them. Some of them I have known for years and years. Others I have known for maybe four or six months. And that's the case with my guest today, Robin Sacks. I've known her for about four to six months, and I met her on LinkedIn.
Robin teaches people how to have confidence and less stress when they speak publicly. Most of us know that one of the top fears is the fear of public speaking. Over to you, Robin.
Robin Sacks
Thank you, Avil. So here's the problem. The biggest problem that gets in so many people's way when it comes to things like confidence, having more of it or having less stress is negative self-talk. The problem of negative self-talk is something that gets in our own way, more than anyone else or anything else possibly could in our lives. And the interesting thing about it is it's actually one of the very few things that we have total control over. So let's shift over to what's the solution for negative self-talk?
And the obvious question is probably just the opposite, which is positive self-talk. But that's easier said than done. So here's how to help you become, instead of your biggest critic in your own mind, your biggest supporter and your biggest advocate. So we're going to quiet that inner bully with the solution today. Two things we need to know. There's a reason that we have negative self talk, and it's not all bad. The reason that we always are critical of ourselves is because we want to do a good job.
Have you read or watched?
- Diane Darling, Professional Networking Strategist; Speaker, Instructor & Coach
- Rosie Yeung, Founder and President Changing Lenses
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- Sarah Elkins, Storytelling and StrengthsFinder Coach
- Debbie McKiver, Founder of the Strong and Healthy Temple
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- Benita Lee, Trade Consultant, Founder, Benita Lee Professional Corporation
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- Larissa Russell, Founder and CEO Queer Voicez and Creative U Business
- Glain Roberts-McCabe, Founder, the Roundtable, Group Coach Academy
- Dr Marsha Carr, Professor, University of North Carolina, Wilmington
- Gabriella O’Rourke, Business Consultant, Borden Ladner Gervais
We want to show up in a certain way that makes people believe we're credible and trustworthy and knowledgeable. We want to do those things. And so that voice in our heads, and if I say ‘self-talk’ voice, everyone probably knows what I'm talking about because we all have it. That self-talk voice is always sitting there going, Are you doing this? Why are you doing that? You should do this better. Oh, oh, don't mess that up. And it's making an honest attempt to help us show up in the way we want to show up.
Robin Sacks
The problem, though, is that what that does is just remind us over and over, things could mess up. Things could go wrong. We could be bad at this, and that's never going to serve us at the moment. And it's certainly not going to serve anyone we're speaking to or trying to help at the moment. So what I call flipping the switch is the thing that quiets that negative self-talk voice and brings up to a much louder volume, the voice in our heads that's also there that helps us feel supported and helps remind us that even if something goes wrong, we are good at this.
Or even if I don't know something, I do know something else. And what the solution of flipping the switch is all about is if you think about it in our self-talk, in our own heads, we always give ourselves half of the story. And it's almost always the negative half. What flipping the switch means is you can give yourself that negative self-talk side. What if stuff goes wrong? What if I don't do a good job? What if I forget what I was going to say or do?
However, you also have to give yourself the other side of the story because we ask questions about what could go wrong, but we don't answer them. So, for example, what if this doesn't work? Give yourself the other side of the story. If it doesn't work, we'll try Plan B. What if something goes wrong? If something goes wrong, I'll ask for help or advice, or I'll figure it out in the moment. I don't have to know everything. That would be silly to think I have to be the expert on everything. I'm allowed to say, I don't know.
Robin Sacks
Do you have any thoughts? What if I'm speaking and I forget what I was going to say next? Then I stop and take a breath and I can either just go on with what I remember to say next. It might not be the thing I practiced, but guess what? Nobody knows your script. They don't know you forgot something. They have no idea you messed up because you didn't. So flipping the switch is a solution for negative self-talk because it allows you to say the things that you're going to naturally say or think, which are sometimes valid.
But bring in the other side of the story. What that does for you in the moment very quickly is it allows you to vent, oh no, and then go, here's a problem. But I also can remind myself it's not so much of a problem, or I have some solution. And an example of this is I'm in the United States. And if you watch a weather forecast in the US, it might be similar in different parts of the world. The weather forecaster might say something like there's a 20% chance of rain today, and most people hear that and think, oh, great, it's going to rain today.
Robin Sacks Teaches Us How to Flip the Switch to Manage Self-Talk
And that's where our brain goes. Using this example or this tool of flipping the switch, you can say, Well, there's a 20% chance of rain today, but there's an 80% chance of sun. Both of those things are real. Both of those things are possibilities. If I'm only focused on what could go wrong or the one I don't want, I'm going to lose the opportunity to see what could be that is equally as possible as the other thing that I was thinking. So if you think about stress in general, it's not just, for example, someone walking on stage as a public speaker to talk.
Robin Sacks
We have these moments all day, every day in our lives. And what happens when we feel stressed is not always because something stressful is happening to us. Often we get very stressed out because we've gone into our heads and we've started talking about that situation in a very stressful way. In other words, the situation isn't causing our stress. The fact that we're negatively obsessing about the situation is often what causes our own stress. So by flipping the switch and using that tool, you can say what comes naturally and remind yourself of the other side of it, because what that's about is really just managing that conversation in our heads.
And since we're the author of that entire conversation, we write it all. We create it all. The power is we have control over that conversation, which means if we start to become aware of how we're talking to ourselves in our own head. You can become aware of whether or not you need to rewrite the script. Because sometimes what's causing our stress is that we're reading the same pages over and over and over and over again of the negative thoughts. And sometimes we just need to turn the page, pick up the pen, and write a new chapter.
Robin Sacks
You're allowed to do that. And you're the author of all your thoughts. So start to become aware of what you're thinking and what you're saying to yourself in your own head. Begin to talk to yourself like you would a friend because we would never say to someone else what we often say to ourselves. With other people we're very encouraging and supportive, and we say you can do this. You're good enough at that. Go share something great with them. But to ourselves, we go, I don't know enough.
I'm not prepared enough. They're not going to like what I have to say. You're allowed to be your own friend in your head and say, you know what you know enough. Go get them and make a difference. That's flipping the switch. And when you start to get in the habit of doing that, what happens is when stress levels start rising, that flip of the switch can start bringing them back down. So they're in a much more manageable place. That's where we want to be with our stress.
So it doesn't take over, but instead can actually serve us in a way that makes us care and want to take action on things in our lives. So that's what I've got. And Avil, back to you.
Avil Beckford
Thank you so much. I think that this is going to be really helpful to people about how to manage negative self-talk and flip the switch. So once again, thank you, Robin.
Robin Sacks
My pleasure. Thank you for the invite to share.
Reading List
The Science of Self Talk: How to Increase Your Emotional Intelligence and Stop Getting in Your Own Way
Believe in Yourself by Dr. Joseph Murphy
Lead the Field, Earl Nightingale
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